A Match Made In Heaven
by streebee2
Summary: The first two chapters are owned by TheDeadFox. Anything after that is owned by me. Kenny smirked knowingly. "Why God! Isn't homosexuality a sin?","Not in this case," God replied defensively. "In this case, it'd be a sin to put them with those awful women
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: OK, this chapter is by TheDeadFox, who for some reason stopped writing it and I asked if I could continue writing it. She said yes. So , this chapter and the next one is theirs. I own anything after that. Apart from South Park. Although, I wish that I did. I am back on my computer now! I had some… family disputes… anyway, I will be writing again! Yay! Who's excited? *Crickets* No one? Oh, well. I am, at least.**

A Match Made in Heaven

**Prologue**

Heaven truly is a beautiful place. Boring, but beautiful. Through all the pure white clouds, the sky was a dazzling blue and the sun shone in a way that took your breath away.

Kenny McCormick, wearing his usual orange parka, landed just inside the pearly white gates with a dull thud.

No one even bothered to look at the teen. This was a rather common occurrence. It happened at least three or four times a week. Everyone had grown used to the blue-eyed blonde years ago.

Kenny didn't pay them any mind either, opting instead to get up on his feet and walk down an all-too-familiar path. He knew where he was going and in no time he got there. He pulled down the hood of his parka and smiled. "Hey, God."

There was a bright flash of light. Afterwards, what looked like a cross between a hippo and an unkempt cat sat before the boy. "Hello my son," the thing stated, long bushy tail twitching.

"Interesting way for me to die this time," Kenny said, grinning widely. "I rather enjoyed it."

"I figured you would." After all, what American male wouldn't love to die in a freak accident getting choked by ladies lingerie? "Besides, it's been a while since you died."

"Yeah, yeah, the good old days when I was ten and horny and died everyday."

"Now you're eightteen and horny."

"Yeah..." Kenny sighed, a dreamy look crossing his face. After a while, he shook his head. "So, am I dead for good this time or am I going back?"

"Do not fret, my son. You're going back," the hippo-cat that was God reassured. "However, this time I have a request of you."

The blonde raised an eyebrow. "Request."

God sighed, looking somewhat agitated for the first time in many, _many _years. "The girls were a mistake this generation. They're all cock-sucking sluts."

"My compliments to the chef, so to speak," Kenny pretty much purred, blowing a kiss into the air. "Slutty's just the way I like 'em."

"That's fine for you, but what about the other boys in South Park? Many of them want steady relationships. Like Stan Marsh." God moaned, a furry orange-brown paw connecting with his hippo face. "What in My Name was I _thinking _when I put him with Wendy Testaburger?"

"You weren't?" Kenny offered sheepishly.

"Anyway, I've decided none of these girls deserve any of these boys."

"So, the guys will be alone all their life?"

"Well, not exactly..."

Silence. Eventually Kenny smirked knowingly. "Why God! Isn't homosexuality a sin?"

"Not in this case," God replied defensively. "In this case, it'd be a sin to put them with those awful bitches."

The teen scratched his chin. "And I come into this how?"

"I need you to play matchmaker for me," God explained, procuring a list from thin air. "Pair up all these people for me."

"And what's in this for me?"

"You get to go back and continue whoring around. As an added bonus, I'll prevent you from ever aquiring any and all STD's."

"In other words, consequence free sex?"

"Besides pregnancy, yes."

"Fuck yeah! I'm in!" Kenny yelled, grabbing the list from God's 'hands'. "When do I start?"

"Why, right now of course."

Kenny McCormack vanished as quickly as he had appeared.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hey. Like I said in the previous chapter, TheDeadFox owns this chapter but I own anything after it. On with the story!

I awoke to a familiar sight; A hospital emergency room. Bright lights shone down harshly on the blazing white sheets, walls, and floors, blinding me with their intensity. It was as if the designers of this room had wanted their patients to die from sensory overload.

And not the good kind.

"Time of death, 16-O- HOLY SHIT! HE'S ALIVE!" the doctor screamed, running out the door with a stream of piss behind him. He was obviously new.

Seeing no reason to stick around, I swung off the bed and calmly walked out of the hospital. By the time I hit Stark Pond, however, God's request came back and bit me in the ass.

I was going to play Cupid. I, Kenny McCormack, was going to play Cupid for God.

"Fuck."

Then again, it could've been a dream. Wait, could you even dream if you were dead? I knew I had died... again (though for the first time in a while). I knew the experience. I couldn't deny it. Sighing, I reached into my pocket.

And, sure enough, there it was, God's list. A list of people that I had to hook up.

Why was I doing this again?

Oh yeah. Sex without the nasty side effects.

Grinning insanely at my sexual desires about to become true, I sat on a bench and extracted the list, checking the first pair of lovers-to-be.

_Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski_

_Come on, do I really need to explain this? They're Super Best Friends, for Christ's sake! They're practically dating! And they did admit they love each other during the Indiana Jones incident..._

That would be the easiest match up to achieve. All the two friends needed was a good shove in the right direction. Courtesy of me, of course. Smirking, I moved to the next.

_Damien and Pip Pirrup_

_These two got along quite well when Satan sent his son to Earth. Besides, Pip needs a friend, Damian needs to learn that destruction is not the answer. It's a win-win situation._

This one was way harder. Damian had disappeared shortly after he'd appeared (and turned me into a duck-billed platypus, I was still quite pissed about that and the death it caused) and Pip was one of the lowest kids on the food chain. I decided to put that match up aside.

_Eric Theodore Cartman and Leopold 'Butters' Stotch_

My eyes grew wide in disbelief. "No. Fucking. Way."

_Well, opposites attract and you can't find any better opposites than these two. Besides, Cartman obviously loves the little naive blond. Have you seen all the shit he's done to him? He put his penis in his mouth, for My sake!_

Cartman and Butters? **Cartman **and **Butters**! "Are you kidding me?" I yelled at the sky. Cartman was incapable of love! The fatass racist Nazi couldn't love anyone besides himself, especially Butters!

Biting my lip, I scanned the list for the next victims.

_Craig Tucker and Tweek Tweak_

_These two spend all their time together, though they aren't as close as Stan and Kyle. I believe it's about time they took the next step._

Seemed easy enough to me. Not as easy as Stan and Kyle, seeing as Tweek's a spazzy over-caffeinated twit and Craig a fucking asshole, but it was definitely easier than the two before.

_Georgie and Ike Broflovski_

_They're a bit young, but when love's involved, does age really matter? Well, maybe it does. Look, just try to at least make them best friends, ok?_

"Who the fuck is Georgie?" I wondered, trying hard to remember if I knew him or not. Nope, wasn't ringing any bells. I moved to the last pairing.

_Dylan and Evan_

_They're so similar, it's scary. They're both Goths, they hate life; they need to smoke and drink coffee. You'll find this the most challenging match up, due to the fact that Goths despise the very thought of love._

"You think that's gonna be hard? Cartman has no fucking heart! How the hell am I suppose to hook him up with Butters? _**Butters **_of all people!"

"Yeah, Kenny?"

I leapt a good few miles in shock, hurriedly shoving the list in my pocket. "B-Butters! H-H-How much did you hear!"

"Well, um, truthfully not-not very much, just my name really," Butters muttered, poking his fingers together.

"Oh, don't mind me!" I laughed, a bit too forced for my liking. "I got a little stoned on some weird slug for a few minutes, totally tripped balls, you know?"

Luckily for me, he fell for it. Yes God, he truly is naive (though it did help that I was a huge drug addict). "Well, alright, if-if you say so. I-I'd better get home now, or my folks'll ground me. I'm such a bad kid. I-I need to be disciplined!"

Slamming a fist in his hand to acknowledge his point, the blonde rushed off, oblivious to my sigh of relief. I had to be careful from now on. Seriously, I could get in real deep shit for taking this job. I'd probably lose a lot of trust, reputation, and friends.

Aw well, the risk free sex was worth it.

Whistling merrily to myself, I made my way to couple number one: Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski.


End file.
